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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.